Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein