Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
You Might Also Like
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.