Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
*puts cutlery down*
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.