my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
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These are my emotional support Pringles.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.