Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.