[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
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Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.