That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?
Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..
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When someone yawns, I like to yell “Surprise Dentist!” and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I’m not really a dentist.
I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.
Person who doesn’t know I’m on twitter: Have you see
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space