Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I have obtained a hat
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
“i am a sweet baby”
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.