My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
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Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing