Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
You Might Also Like
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
This is a whole mood;
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
is this how new cars are made??
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Omg 🤣
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]