@Parkerlawyer

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

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@Just__J0

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

@Bahstonlady

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

@rotten_mama

Parenting 101

8: I’m worried dolphins will be become endangered.

Me: Every time you don’t clean your room a dolphin dies.

@TheAlexNevil

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

@PhilJamesson

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

@WheelTod

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

@NotJPo

Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.

@WeissBrandon

YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!!

~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.

@Kauaibride

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

@thenatewolf

Hot lady mouse looking for good time. Any mouse will do boy mouse or girl mouse. Groups preferred. Meet in woods AT NIGHT. Will be a hoot.