17: Want to see a movie?
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
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Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
8: I’m worried dolphins will be become endangered.
Me: Every time you don’t clean your room a dolphin dies.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!!
~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Hot lady mouse looking for good time. Any mouse will do boy mouse or girl mouse. Groups preferred. Meet in woods AT NIGHT. Will be a hoot.