No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
my daughter said her hand hurts when she moves it, her brother said “stop moving it then.”
my work here is done.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!