DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Coffee for people with no kids
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.