Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
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*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Getting married soon just need a spouse
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I forgot how to panic. Help
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The Onion called it…again.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.