I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
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All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*