dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
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“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.