Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
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*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.