DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
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I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Kids, do not try this at home!
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it