Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
DR: you have this disease
ME: oh no
DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise
ME: OH NO
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My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Find a person who wants to do everything w you…
…and fix them up w someone else. You don’t need someone that exhausting in your life
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.