@aligarchy

DR: you have this disease
ME: oh no
DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise
ME: OH NO

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@Staggfilms

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

@Bob_Janke

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

@Fred_Delicious

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

@TheQuietPsycho

Find a person who wants to do everything w you…

…and fix them up w someone else. You don’t need someone that exhausting in your life

@Goofpoops

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

@Birdhumms

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

@stephenjmolloy

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

@amishschool

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.