Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes