Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
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So glad we cleared that up
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
the short answer to this question
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Anyone want a chair?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.