Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
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Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I am having an out of money experience.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.