[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
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Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.