DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..