@Jake_Vig

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

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@SwoonTwang

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I’d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.

@ItsSamG

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

@Darlainky

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

@Rockenden

I can’t love you. I’m still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can’t abandon her.

@MoistPork

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

@Book_Krazy

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

@JermHimselfish

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

@

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