<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
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Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.