DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

You Might Also Like


Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”


at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”


Bikini season is just around the corner.

Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.


Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don’t believe in it. nigga I don’t believe in having a job but I still go to work


I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”


Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.


If you ever want kids to get louder, just tell them you have a headache.


ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired