@HenpeckedHal

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

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@memes_krispy

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

@hummusandpizza

at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”

@food_shoes_life

Bikini season is just around the corner.

Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.

@ChickenColeman

Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don’t believe in it. nigga I don’t believe in having a job but I still go to work

@Darlainky

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

@uccjeb

Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.

@barfolishus

If you ever want kids to get louder, just tell them you have a headache.

@panmidwest

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired