Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
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NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Sunday
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad