Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
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I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.