Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
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Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
buying dead houseplants to save time
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL