Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
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“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.