Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick


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[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape


“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant


Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”


“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light


It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.


My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.


When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.


Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.


[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law


Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.