Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
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The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
We cut our bangs at dawn.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.