[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
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[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff