DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
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Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.