Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*
Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
When you try to wash a spoon and it wash you back
ME: what is an IV for
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.