DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

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Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what


[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*


I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.


Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.


ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*


Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.