@mean_spice
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
@BullenRoss
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
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@mean_spice
@RidiculousSheri
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
@FU_TangClan
man: wait
time: no
@JohnLyonTweets
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
@IzadIkram
@noog
@3sunzzz
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
@trustinvo
When you try to wash a spoon and it wash you back
@fro_vo
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
@Brampersandon_
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
@cpsemple
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.