– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
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My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Need tips on making something look like an accident.