When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
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WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
X-tra spooky blend
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”