[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
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My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I get distracted pretty eas
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”