If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?