me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
You Might Also Like
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
“So send me a picture of you…”
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
2 just lectured me for not having bacon in the house and brought me my shoes and pants….how’s your Sunday going?