@TheAndrewNadeau

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

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@suecorvette

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

@TheBoydP

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

@Jarhead44

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

@CAshmanActor

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

@thetigersez

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

@brunopieroni

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

@cpsemple

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

@OffTheHutch

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

@Ketih_the_Yeti

2 just lectured me for not having bacon in the house and brought me my shoes and pants….how’s your Sunday going?