DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
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I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…