@rebrafsim

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

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@2sassymom

Me: Whatcha doin?
7: a stupid math paper
Me: why stupid?
7: Sally has 3,000 pennies; really Sally? Get a debit card!

@SuperDadish

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

@SergioValenCo

You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.

@TheHyyyype

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

@flashember

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

@AZHORSEMOM77

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

@elynnbarlow

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

@TheOnion

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating