@rebrafsim

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

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@notviking

if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week

@mohitraj

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

@birbigs

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

@rancheroni

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

@CrisMtzgr

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

@TheToddWilliams

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

@chickenmclovin

New way to avoid pregnancy:
Wear double condom with chilli powder in between.
If outer breaks she will know,
if inner breaks u will know.

@tsm560

*saves the date*

Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.

@SCbchbum

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

@squirrel74wkgn

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?