Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
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Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*