I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
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*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.