I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
You Might Also Like
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID