Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
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Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…