dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
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Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.