You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
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For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
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Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house