[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
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When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine