[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
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When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.