[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
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Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I’m too immature for adultery.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*