Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
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Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”