DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
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Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Duck typos.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.