Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don’t die alone.

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I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.


i hate this pandemic if i wanted to waste my early 20s i would have gotten married


Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven

*Gets hit by a water ballon*

Jesus: That’s not what I meant, Paul


Parent: my child’s reading at a 3rd grade level, what reading level is your son at?

Me: he knows some curse words but not all of them yet


The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”


Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.


Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?


Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water


Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours


If Billy Joel rewrote We Didn’t Start The Fire based on the past 2 weeks, it would be 45 minutes long.