I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don’t die alone.
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i hate this pandemic if i wanted to waste my early 20s i would have gotten married
Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven
*Gets hit by a water ballon*
Jesus: That’s not what I meant, Paul
Parent: my child’s reading at a 3rd grade level, what reading level is your son at?
Me: he knows some curse words but not all of them yet
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours
If Billy Joel rewrote We Didn’t Start The Fire based on the past 2 weeks, it would be 45 minutes long.