Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
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“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.