Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
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What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what