Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
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*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.