Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
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“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.