Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
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This meal prepping shit easy
“Describe yourself in 5 words.”
me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.
My spirit animal died of neglect.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Me: *jazz hands*
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it’s lettuce.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta