@JermHimselfish

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

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@crunchenhanced

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

@novicefather

[interview]

“Describe yourself in 5 words.”

me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.

@addie_huneycutt

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

@WilliamRodgers

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

@sophielou

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

@theshantilly

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

@astutenewf

Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it’s lettuce.

@Flora__Flora

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta